Calming The Emotional Turmoil Of Infertility And Pregnancy Loss

Today we have mountains of scientific research that demonstrates the mind-body connection. In other words our thoughts, beliefs and emotions affect our body chemistry and this includes our hormone system. For instance, so called negative emotions such as, fear, anxiety, anger, resentment and sadness are 'translated' by the brain into biochemical and electrical messages. These will trigger responses in the hypothalamus [an area in the brain], which then relays this information to the pituitary gland. The pituitary gland is located just beneath the base of the brain, behind the bridge of the nose, and acts like the master controller for the whole hormonal system. Hence, stress and negative emotions can upset your hormone balance and may even inhibit ovulation.

So it can be a real catch 22 when you are on that emotional roller coaster that goes with being unable to get pregnant or carry a baby to term. During this time shifting your emotions to a more positive state is a really tough call. For instance if someone, no matter  how well meaning it was intended, advices you to "think positively"; you will probably want to poke them in the eye! Although, this may temporarily make you feel better, I am not suggesting you act upon this urge.

Therefore, what I am about to share with you are some of the strategies and tools, that I used when I was going through this myself 10 years ago. However, I also underwent counseling and I strongly encourage you to seek professional guidance and counseling too.

Dealing With Friends, Family And Acquaintances

• Discuss and make an agreement with your partner, who amongst your friends and family you will tell about your situation and who you will not tell.
• Choose a select few to tell, who you know will be supportive and understanding, so that you can build a strong supportive network. Also, joining an online forum fertility support group, where you can share your experience and feelings with others in a similar situation, maybe helpful.
• Discuss and agree with your partner what you will say when people who do not know your situation, innocently ask, "so when are you two going to start a family?" Decide on a statement you can say casually, without getting emotional and one that also discourages any further questioning along this line. Such as, "I/We are far too busy with ........ at the moment" and move the conversation onto another subject quickly. That way you can avoid bursting into tears in situations where you really don't want to, such as at large social gatherings.
• If you feel that you really can't be around pregnant women, babies or young children right now. Be gentle on yourself and turn down invitations where you will be in this situation. There's no need to rub salt into the wound and sometimes you may simply want to be alone for awhile. There will come a time when you can be around babies and young children again. 

Allow Your Emotions To Be Expressed

Although, you will experience many emotions, essentially you are grieving, which has many layers. Grief can manifest as anxiety, fear, anger, resentment, sadness, guilt, shame, confusion and emptiness. Whether your grief is actual loss [miscarriage] or anticipatory grief [unable to conceive so far] they are both valid and grieving is your right. These losses are often experienced as "silent losses" as there is no public acknowledgment or ceremony, unlike say a funeral for the loss of a loved one. Grief is the body's natural healer of an emotional loss and for your emotional recovery, you need to mourn fully such a deep and profound loss.

When I felt angry, frustrated or resentful, I found that vigorous exercise or punching a pillow helped me move this energy. Screaming in the car when driving alone was also good, as no one can hear you and if anyone is looking they think you are singing!

Crying or sobbing while taking a bath is also good as you can allow your tears to flow freely onto the bath water and imagine that the water is taking away your sorrow.

However, to fully heal grief, your feelings need to be shared, witnessed and validated by others. Personally, I found that ai needed a professional counselor for this, because family and friends are often uncomfortable with such displays of strong emotions, especially anger.

Finding Your Centre Amongst The Emotional Turmoil

Strong emotions will come and go in waves, but it is possible to find a point of stillness and peace within this. The best way I can describe this is that it is like becoming the eye of the storm.

The simplest way to begin to do this is to bring your attention and focus on your breath, Feel the rise and fall of your breath and simply be in the present moment. Every time you catch yourself thinking about the past or the future, gently bring your attention back to the present moment. If you like you can also silently repeat to yourself the word "peace' on each out breath. Practice this several times throughout the day, it is a skill that will stand you in good stead for the rest of your life.

Practices such as yoga and chi kung are also wonderful for calming and centering you.